Surviving a toxic CEO

A few weeks months I wrote an article about how toxic cultures are often created by single individuals, and about how and why they behave as they do. Then, more recently, I was invited to be the external speaker at a half-day session hosted by Corporate Staffing Services on the theme “Surviving a Toxic CEO or Director”, and it led me to reflect further on the subject.

I also turned to Google to see what it had to tell me, and one of the first images I was shown informed me that “a Google search for ‘Toxic Boss’ generates almost 58 million hits”. Well whether that’s true or not, there’s plenty of very helpful material out there about this jarring subject.

Here’s what I found as definitions of toxic:

“Very harmful or unpleasant in a pervasive or insidious way”; “Toxic people manipulate those around them to get what they want”; “This can mean lying, bending the truth, exaggerating, or leaving out information so as to take a certain action or have a certain opinion of them; “They’ll do whatever it takes, even if it means hurting people”.

Then here’s from an image titled “10 signs of a toxic boss”: Lying, Gaslighting, Stealing credit, Always interrupting, Backbiting and gossiping, Never giving recognition, Insulting and name-calling, Saying one thing and doing another, Managing by fear and intimidation, Blaming the team vs taking responsibility.

Finally, I found “Signs to watch out for that can indicate you’re dealing with a toxic person”: You feel like you’re being manipulated; you’re constantly confused by the person’s behaviour; you feel like you deserve an apology that never comes; you always have to defend yourself to this person; you never feel fully comfortable around them; you feel bad about yourself in their presence.

Thanks, Google, for all these insights, which I complemented with reflections on my own experiences in my presentation. I listed what I have found to be root causes of such behaviour, many of which relate to low emotional intelligence, and perhaps most importantly – as I pointed out in my last article – lack of self-awareness and empathy. Toxic leaders – no, “bosses” fits better – neither trust others nor, deep down, trust themselves. They tend to be over-ambitious and impatient; and they fear failure. They are self-centred and entitled, indifferent to the feelings of others, and the word that sums up such characteristics is narcissism.

The issue of the day was how to survive in such an environment. Here I remembered when I was once with a toxic boss who expected me to be giving instructions and to be feared. I defied him to create a much healthier sub-culture around me. But quietly, without telling him about how I was operating my flatter pyramid: on tip-toe, whispering, so he wouldn’t be aware.

Here are other suggestions for managing relationships with toxic bosses. Flatter them, but genuinely, where they have earned the right to praise – which they also do. And use humour, to show you are at ease with them and to add a light touch that supports a friendlier way of working together.

Much is said about the need for sharing written evidence when dealing with such inconsistent and manipulative characters. So agree your goals and document what has been agreed, and then communicate your progress, again including in writing.

If above your CEO there exists a board of directors among whom there are at least some members who may lend a sympathetic ear and ease the situation, reach out to them – as I have done at times in my career. It can be risky, but escalation is a responsible way of behaving in such situations – and it can at least be theraeutic!

Some final thoughts from me. First, when at one time I was feeling demotivated thanks to a toxic boss, I reached out to volunteer in community activities like Rotary where I felt more aligned with those around me and more appreciated. Then, at the session where I was speaking several participants reached out to me seeking my advice as a mentor over toxic relationships they were facing in their workplaces. Indeed, finding a safe external adviser can definitely be helpful, including by assisting you in managing your stress.

So be like a rock and not a sponge. Don’t allow the toxicity to infect your system. And while you don’t want to leave such an environment too soon, if it looks like being the new normal start planning your exit.

Going Blue

Being a member of The Blue Company’s Ethics Committee that assesses potential new members and also their qualification for membership renewal, I was delighted to be part of last Friday’s “Going Blue” event at the Serena Hotel. It was a gathering of members, potential members and others interested in the anti-corruption theme of the Blue Company.

The programme was launched by Ken Oyolla, the Nation Media Group’s Chief Commercial Officer, and next was keynote speaker Dr Julius Kipng’etich, a Blue Company Advisory Board Member and Group CEO of Jubilee Holdings, who described corruption as the big reason why Kenya is stuck with its low per capita GDP. This corruption de-energises society, and unless the tone at the top is right, rewarding good people and punishing bad ones, we will continue where we are.

He was followed by Davis & Shirtliff Group CEO George Mbugua, who talked about how they live the integrity ideals of the Blue Company. He confirmed that “Going Blue” is a good idea, ie that integrity is. He emphasised the importance to Davis & Shirtliff of its values, about which they talk all the time… and which they live.

Next we heard from a panel, with Benard Kiragu, the Managing Partner of Scribe Services, Dr Joyce Omina, the CEO of the Institute of Internal Auditors, and Dr Aysha Edwards, the CEO of AAR Hospital, who talked about the emergence of policies, regulations and codes of conduct which bulletproof organisations against corruption. It’s important to get active participation in all this, we heard, so as to obtain buy-in; and also that auditors should be partners and consultants, and hence preventers, rather than characters who just inspire fear.

They were followed by Alexandre Baron, the EU Head of Section for Governance and Macro-economics. He explained how the EU is promoting international standards for integrity and compliance, rightly describing it as a global challenge.

Catherine Musakali, the Managing Partner of Dorion Associates and Founder Chairperson of Women on Boards Network, then explained why there’s an urgent need for the private sector to “Go Blue”, and she started by telling us a story of how she was once on her daily walk when she saw a police officer seeking bribes from matatus. She approached her, looked her in the eye and instructed her to “leave”, which she did – showing one doesn’t need to be just an impotent observer.

Corruption increases costs and undermines competition, she confirmed. Dealing with it is no longer optional, as today’s regulations demand it. It’s not just for Blue Chip companies now, as the modern consumer expects all those from whom they buy to be ethical. Customers are willing to pay a premium for products from suppliers whose values align with theirs, and they become loyal.

Increasingly, if one is unethical one risks fines, reputational damage and having a monitor imposed. There is a cost to such compliance, but it pays off in the long run. Investors too are prioritising these issues, as it enhances resilience and sustainability. The biggest obstacle to progress is mindsets, for they determine a company’s culture. But it is this that delivers the long-term benefits.

Now Blue Company founder and advisory board member Nizar Juma spoke, and he told us Jubilee has done very well despite being ethical. It’s difficult to prove corruption, he admitted, but everyone knows who is corrupt and who isn’t.

“So many of our children see their parents behaving corruptly, as a result of which they enjoy a new Mercedes, a new big home,” he said, “but we want our children to grow up saying their parents were corruption-free.” He concluded by suggesting that there is light at the end of the tunnel, however dim, and we must be brave in working on brightening that light.

Chief Guest Dr Habil Olaka, Chairman of the Centre for Corporate Governance, quoted Uhuru’s estimate that we lose Shs2b a day to corruption, suggesting that the private sector has a very important role to play here, as it is the supplier. Over the last few years the Assets Recovery Agency and the Financial Reporting Centre, have been established to combat this corruption.

We need well-structured decision-making, said Dr Olaka, which is only possible where there is good governance. He made the point that beyond focusing on long-term profits there must also be short time profitability to fund immediate sustainability, with a balance between the two.

Finally, before Nation Media Group’s James Sogoti, their General Manager Commercial, gave the vote of thanks, it was my turn – for ‘Closing remarks and next steps’, as the programme described it. It’s what I will write about in my next column. This one was about the “what”. Next will come the “so what”.

African History of Africa

Anyone who watches the BBC television channel will be familiar with Zeinab Badawi, including through her being one of the tough interviewers on HARDtalk. But we now see she is also a very skilled writer, having this year published An African History of Africa – From the Dawn of Humanity to Independence.

Reading the book has further reinforced my long-held perception that while those in Europe, America and elsewhere need to hear from other than their own about the continent’s history, above all it is Africans who should do so. For there is so much more to this history than most people anywhere are aware of, knowledge of which would transform self-respect and dignity among Africans, as well as significantly change the perception of Africa and Africans by others.

For too many the history of the continent launches with slavery and colonialism, assuming that before the Europeans, OK and maybe the Arabs, arrived it was all “primitive” hunter-gatherers… well, except for the Egyptians, who weren’t perceived as being really “African”.

I remember visiting the remains of the medieval city of Great Zimbabwe some years ago, marvelling at the grandeur of the sophisticated Shona civilisation it reflected. Yet when the first Europeans came across the site they just couldn’t imagine it was the work of local Black Africans. I have also been influenced by my exposure to the amazing spread of ancient African rock art through my friend David Coulson, who has dedicated so much of his life to preserving and protecting it. This art shows how extraordinarily advanced many African societies were over so many centuries – at times when elsewhere it was just hunter-gatherers who roamed around in their small groups.

But back to Zeinab Badawi and her book. Zeinab is herself of African origins, having been born in Sudan, and in her book she devotes a chapter to the country of her illustrious ancestors. The ancient civilisations of Sudan predate those of ancient Egypt, she is keen to point out, and were of great influence on the Egyptians. Indeed at times it was the Kush who ruled over the Egyptians. But conventional history brushes that aside, Zeinab notes, with infinitely more emphasis being placed on the glories of ancient Egypt.

This eye-opening book took Zeinab ten years to put together, during which time she visited more than thirty countries in Africa, “in pursuit of a first-hand experience of Africa’s history from the perspective of Africans,” she writes. She interacted with dozens of people, from academics to ordinary citizens, learning about their culture and history and visiting significant sites.

She begins with the birth of humankind itself, which at least many of us East Africans appreciate took place here, and then takes us through “narratives of warrior queens, kings, chiefs, priests and priestesses; of mighty civilisations blooming on the banks of rivers or in the shade of sacred mountains; of lavish buildings hewn out of rock, exquisite libraries bursting with discovery, bustling caravan routes and market squares thick with the voices of traders, travelers, farmers and entertainers”.

We move from ancient Egypt to Sudan and then to Ethiopia and Eritrea, before migrating to North Africa, then to the west and finally to the south of the continent. She ends her journey through Africa’s history with another tour of the continent – including Kenya – that describes the struggles for independence from colonialism.

Finally, in her epilogue Zeinab spotlights today’s African youth as she looks to their future – about which she insists they should feel optimistic. “They will create a new Africa,” she writes. They are less attached to ethnic affiliations than their elders, and many move around the world as confident global citizens, bringing with them the enthusiasm of being digitally savvy. Not surprisingly she was particularly impressed by the Kenyan scene, with our MPESA, our technology hubs and our renewable energy, all enablers for our energetic youth.

While acknowledging the difficulties Africans face, these must not obscure the vibrancy she has observed, and the hunger for progress among the young people as they demand a better and brighter future – including through protesting against authoritarianism and conservative social mores. Sounds familiar, yes?

As I read Zeinab’s book about Africa’s magnificent past I appreciated her journalistic style of writing through which she took us on her journey, and I was left wanting to learn so much more about it all.

Manu Chandaria biography

Last week I was invited to be one of the speakers at the launch of Manu Chandaria’s biography, From Success to Significance, and what an amazing event it was, where over 600 people were gathered to celebrate the life of this extraordinary man.

I opened my talk by saying it’s nearly half a century since I first met Manu, who at the time was already half a century old. He then had none of his current six honorary degrees, I noted, and he had no OBE and no CBS or EBS. But he was already a highly successful industrialist and philanthropist, having even by then achieved significance beyond success. I met him when I joined the Rotary Club of Nairobi in 1978, I said, which he had been a member of since 1963, becoming its president in 1982 – four years before I led the Club.

Kalonzo Musyoka was with us at the launch, and I described how in the late seventies I interacted with ‘young Steve’ as we called him then, adding that it’s so hard to imagine he’s now approaching seventy! I explained that our Rotary Club awarded him a post-graduate scholarship in Cyprus, following which he joined our club and was employed first by Kaplan & Stratton and then as the Legal Manager at Manu’s Comcraft.

I talked about Manu’s support for two of our club’s signature projects, both of which I was part of in their early years: the Rally for the Handicapped, as it was then called, which launched in 1979 and is now known as the Sunshine Rally, and the Rural Blindness Eradication Project, that began in 1985. Manu continues to be very active in our club, both with providing funding for many initiatives and in contributing to our WhatsApp group.

I then turned to Manu’s support for Business Member Organisations, and particularly with KEPSA, whose founder chairman he was in 2003, where I too was one of the founder directors. Anyang Nyong’o was in the room, and I pointed him out as the man who provoked its formation, as Minister of Planning. It was in February 2003, at a conference in Mombasa where David Ndii and Harris Mule launched the Economic Recovery Strategy, that Anyang Nyong’o took the private sector people present aside and challenged us to speak with one voice. Manu remains active with KEPSA, including as chairman of the board nominating committee, where I am also a member.

Next I talked about Manu as an enabler of universities, funding major buildings and having two of them appoint him as Chancellor, USIU and the Technical University of Kenya. Finally I drew attention to the way he professionalised his companies, in appointing external independent directors at an early stage – like the late Hannington Awori, whose brother Moody was with us – and also non-family members as senior managers. Plus the early establishment of the Chandaria Foundation, despite his father’s initial resistance.

I concluded by praising Manu as a family man, and by appreciating the child within him still being alive. He is what everyone sees: a low-key gentleman, an open listener, and – as Margaret Kenyatta writes in her foreword to the book – humble, kind and generous.

Kalonzo Musyoka was next to speak, and he described Manu as being like a father to him. At Comcraft he learned so much, about the art of negotiating, about putting people together, and so much more. And through Manu and Rotary he was introduced to “service above self”.

Musyoka then introduced Namgya Khampa, the Indian High Commissioner, who told us she has come to love Manu and leans on him for counsel as an elder, as he is also a good friend of India. “You are a hero, and we need more heroes,” she concluded.

Manu’s grand-daughter Nahema told us that Manu is one who rather than adding days to his life adds life to his days. He is everything to everyone when they are most in need, and does it with so much style. And Daystar University VC Prof Laban Ayiro informed us that Manu has been a great supporter of the Global Peace Foundation initiatives at Daystar. Prof. Ayiro was deeply involved in the preparation of the book, which he told us reveals the man behind the accolades.

I’ll end by describing that Manu talked about how to leave a legacy, by giving rather than receiving – which is what takes one from success to significance. He won’t be around forever, he readily admitted, but the Chandaria Foundation will remain, continuing to look after the community. Have I written enough to encourage you to read the book? I think so.

Management and me, from 1990

Going through some old papers of mine, I came across a 1990 interview with me by Isaiya Kabira for the Nation. I had already been in the IT industry for 23 years, and running IT companies (then called “computer companies”) in Kenya for the last 13 of these. I was talking about my leadership style and about the state of the computer industry then. Reading the article, some would have assumed I was speaking about leadership styles today, given that what I was saying and doing at the time many imagine only emerged much more recently.

“As we move to a more competitive inter-related world economy,” I was quoted as saying, “the need for a participative management style is now no longer a luxury.” And “If someone shows initiative and potential, we are only too pleased to stretch and develop them. The more such successes we have, the more others are encouraged to follow.” Then, “Consensus management is key. By working as a group and seeking input, we create self-confidence in the employees.”

I said I offered easy access to me by my staff, adding that “people must enjoy working for you. You have them not only strive to give good service, but to derive satisfaction from giving that service.” And I talked about developing a system of self-appraisal, where staff list their achievements and then analyse their performance in terms of both successes and failures, as well as strengths and weaknesses. Boss and subordinate then sit down together to discuss this performance, together with development objectives for the following year.

“The success of this approach depends upon an atmosphere of openness and trust,” I pointed out, “where employees are encouraged to hold the mirror to themselves and not simply allow the boss to tell them what they think of them.”

I see I also commented on the consequences of Kenya’s unique ethnic mix, accepting that a big challenge is operating successfully in a multi-cultural  society, by accommodating different values and ideas and compromising, while holding on to certain universal underlying virtues.

I attributed the often-outdated management style in Kenya to historical factors, not least the domination of colonial Kenya by civil servants, soldiers, farmers and church people, all from the most hierarchical organisations in society. It was this that was emulated here, complemented by the equally hierarchical traditional Asian and African leadership styles. I also referred to the education system that suppressed curiosity and participation, and how all this had led to an under-utilisation of the nation’s brains.

My recipe for improving the situation was to “establish a proper business school of a high calibre to enable Kenyans to update their management skills and style, while also exposing more young Kenyans to overseas education and development experiences.”

On the technology front, I stated that we were about to introduce electronic mail, enabling the exchange of office memos through the computer. Wow, e-mails here we come! And later I complained that users of computers placed too much emphasis on cost-minimisation while devoting inadequate time to studying the more complicated issue of expected benefits. Ah yes, then and now! “Go for a relationship with a firm that will give you support and value, up front and in the long run,” I advocated.

How did our firm manage to create customer loyalty in the highly competitive computer business? “You have to enjoy giving service to customers,” I said, “have people look forward to engaging with you, for training and other back-up services or even when they have a crisis. Recovery from problems or crises and how you communicate as you emerge from such incidents are of paramount importance.” I went on to talk about expectations management, as I so often till do.

Good that in Kenya many more of our organisational pyramids have flattened (except in too much of government) and that we have become Silicon Savanah. Good too that we now have numerous Business Schools, and good that the Competency Based Curriculum is being implemented.

A footnote on Isaiya Kabira to conclude. He graduated from journalism to becoming Press Secretary to President Kibaki throughout his time in State House, then Kenya’s High Commissioner to Australia and New Zealand, then Director General of International Conferences, Media Events and Public Communications in the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, and now Secretary Diaspora Investments, Skills and Entrepreneurship. Thanks, Isaiya, for interviewing me all those years ago, and well done for all you have achieved since.

Applying the Balanced Scorecard

It’s fifteen years ago that I was introduced to the Balanced Scorecard, and in all my consulting work on strategy since I have consistently incorporated its approach. The concepts are well known and applied by a reasonable number of organisations in Kenya, but still only a small minority. So let me take you through the basics and how they were introduced into the world.

The Balanced Scorecard was launched in January 1992 by Robert Kaplan and David Norton through an article in the Harvard Business Review. They had observed that the scorecard of most companies was unbalanced, with disproportionate emphasis on revenues and costs, cash flows and profits, return-on-investment and earnings-per-share. Yet these are but the consequences of other factors, ones that drive financial performance.

So they helped us with a simple and universally applicable way of looking at a business from four key perspectives: the satisfaction of our customers, through the products and services we offer them; the wellbeing of our people, which they described as “learning, innovation and growth”; systems and processes; and yes, financial performance, with particular emphasis on pleasing shareholders.

Even at its outset, the Balanced Scorecard noted the linkages between the four perspectives, encouraging companies to identify the cause-and-effect relationships between them. They also pointed out that the financial performance measures of the day over-focused on backward-looking and short-term measures.

Plus, the fact that business leaders needed to show how what was happening in the other three perspectives resulted in strong financial results: they are the lead factors and the financial perspective is the lag one. Having said that though, finance must be available to fund the lead factors, so that perspective also leads. That’s the interconnectedness which is revealed so clearly by he Balanced Scorecard.

In their article, Kaplan and Norton pointed out that while traditionally it was financial experts who put together a company’s performance measures – they were after all, unbalanced in favour of the financials – now it became clear why all of the senior management team needed to participate in putting their company’s scorecard together, in a spirit of “systems thinking”. And this was also much more likely to result in productive collaboration between them.

But relative to how we see the Balanced Scorecard today it was relatively “primitive” at the outset, merely getting companies to lay out operational numbers for the four pillars, through what one might call a performance measurement framework, rather than offering a full strategic performance management tool.

The initial version was followed by a second-generation Balanced Scorecard in 1993, and a third generation in the late nineties. Since then there have been overlays that merely reflected what was trendy at the time – first Total Quality Management, now sustainability and Environmental, Social and Governance issues (where the interests of shareholders are expanded to include all key stakeholders), and maybe AI next. Meanwhile, although the Balanced Scorecard was initially only applied to for-profits, its use was expanded to not-for-profits and to government, as the four perspectives apply equally well everywhere.

Not everyone who has applied the Balanced Scorecard approach to their strategic planning has succeeded in making it work for them, and from what I have seen the main cause of failure has been overcomplicating it and also coming up with far too many objectives and measures. The other issue is not following through with managing and adapting the implementation, so like many other kinds of strategic plans, it just gathers dust on a shelf.

And as any other strategic plan it must be cascaded down the organisation, so there is vertical as well as horizontal alignment, and indeed it should reach the individual level, with each person knowing how they contribute to the overall objectives, and indeed to the overarching vision.

I and my colleague Twalib Ebrahim have helped all kinds of organisations to work with the Balanced Scorecard, from large government bodies, development partners and corporates, to NGOs and research institutions, to large and small family businesses. For our most sophisticated clients, when we explained our approach they worried it would be so simple as to be simplistic. And among the less exposed, those who had never imagined they could become “strategic thinkers”, their concern was whether they could handle it all.

Once we got going though, the inspiration of Kaplan and Norton, applied by us, pulled them all through to become enthusiastic disciples. So if you are not familiar with the Balanced Scorecard, I encourage you to find out more about it and to have a go.

The Native Son

Almost exactly ten years ago I wrote a column here about the launch of Joe Wanjui’s book, The Native Son: Experiences of a Kenyan Entrepreneur. In it I described the enthusiasm around the event where, as I put it then, “speakers during the evening were so effusive about the author who was being fêted that when it was his turn to speak Joe wondered whether all the talk had been about someone else who just had the same name. Indeed had the man of the moment not been his usual alive, thoughtful and sparkling self, we could have been forgiven for imagining we were listening to the eulogies at his… well, you know what I mean.”

Sadly, a decade later it is indeed time to eulogise this wonderful gentleman, and I will do so by taking from my earlier article. Going back to the book launch, I described how it took place at the University of Nairobi, where Joe had recently completed his time as its Chancellor. Among those who talked about the man and his book we heard something of his rich family life from his friend Fr. Dominic Wamugunda and from his eldest daughter and two of his grandchildren. Others like Roger Steadman spoke of him as a successful entrepreneur and businessman.

Chief Guest George Magoha, then the University of Nairobi’s Vice Chancellor, talked about the leader who for almost a decade was his Chancellor. “He found us as professors, thinking in truncated mode,” confessed the institution’s CEO, adding proudly “but now we are university managers.” In the same vein the Vice Chancellor noted that under Joe’s influence the CEO position he filled was sourced competitively, a pioneering and controversial approach for such institutions at the time.

Joe was absolutely for meritocratic appointments, independent of ethnic background, we heard. He brought entrepreneurs into the Council, and he encouraged other businesslike practices. In concluding, Prof. Magoha described Joe as a true friend, “telling you what you don’t want to hear… and then taking you to lunch afterwards”.

As for me, I wrote, I thoroughly enjoyed all my interactions with Joe. I’ve known him since a year after I arrived in Kenya in 1977, when I joined the Rotary Club of Nairobi. Ten years before that Joe was proposed as the first African member of the club, and in 1974 he became its first African president. In his book he revealed that he continued to support our Rotary Club and its noble ideal, as he actively supported so many other worthy causes. Which is why just recently he was made an Honorary Member of our club.

In The Native Son, Joe wrote about becoming a member of the Kenya Institute of Management’s first Governing Council in 1969. By the time I was elected to chair its council in 2000 he was KIM’s National Chairman, or patron, in which capacity he was always available to me as a source of sound advice, I remembered. It was during that time that he and I organised several Chief Executives’ Forums, a concept Joe described in his book as akin to a “mini Davos”. What a great experience it was.

In my earlier article I also mentioned Joe’s valuable contributions to KEPSA, where in its infancy he became the private sector umbrella body’s most active elder and a strong supporter. I was one of KEPSA’s founding directors, and at one of our retreats I had arranged for a presentation to be made on the emerging Brand Kenya project. Joe was present at the event and promptly offered to organise a presentation to President Kibaki, that led to the initiative being propelled to its national position.

For well over three decades I have sat with Joe at many meetings and shared many platforms with him, I wrote, enjoying the benefit of both his wisdom and his wit. To be with him you know you will be with someone who is pragmatic, straightforward and solution-oriented; and, just as important for me, someone with whom you always also expect to share a good laugh.

He was further building his foundation to promote the education of women scientists, I mentioned, and he continued as a director of major institutions in this country. Here’s how I concluded: “I salute the man who grew up feeling disrespected by the colonials as a mere ‘native’ but who emerged a proud native son of Kenya.”

Today I conclude by stating how privileged I feel that I had the opportunity to interact with Joe Wanjui in so many contexts and over so many years. He leaves a great void.

Uber Chat Chat

I hardly ever drive my car anywhere in Nairobi these days, having become accustomed to the convenience of calling up an Uber Chap Chap. I so appreciate not having to deal with the heavy and unruly traffic, and not having to worry about parking. Plus, I enjoy chatting with many of my drivers. Not all of them, as some seem to prefer quietness. A few open our conversation, while with others I’m the one to get us going.

Amusingly, several of the chatty ones have started by asking me which country I’m from, and it shocks them to learn that while I wasn’t born here I have lived in Kenya for nearly half a century – before any of them were born, and for some even before their parents were.

This typically leads us to talking all the way to my destination, making the time go by much more quickly and enjoyably. Often we moan about the potholes and the general state of the roads, and about the aggressive matatu drivers and the entitled Prado ones with their tinted windows that provide them with that extra anonymity.

The most interesting and easiest conversations are about politics, as we dissect the state of the economy, how our leaders are handling the issues and how their skills at selling their policies and programmes so outweigh their ability to deliver on what they promise.

For those who stay quiet, and particularly for the more serious and unsmiling ones, I hold back, as I continue judging whether they’d be OK with some chatting or whether they would rather just focus on the driving. There’s speculation on my part here, as maybe they are more introverted types who prefer spending time with themselves, or maybe they just feel I might be such a person and it would be more respectful to restrain themselves unless I initiate interaction.

The easy test is to just to make a brief comment, about the weather maybe, or the traffic, and then to see how they react. If I am sufficiently encouraged I might follow up by asking how long they’ve been an Uber driver, or whether it’s their full-time job – as for some it is not and they are also studying or doing business or are otherwise engaged.

Recently I was shown a facility on the Uber app that asks us riders if we want to converse or not – impressive, and it avoids wrongful speculation on either side. I’ve also been informed by one driver that as part of their training they are advised to stay quiet – more so with women passengers, in case their chatting is misinterpreted – unless the rider starts chatting.

Hm, maybe that’s rather more prudent than necessary as surely, just as with us riders, they learn to assess who prefers silence and who would enjoy conversation – particularly if, like me, their passenger is sitting in the front seat next to them and they can observe body language more easily. Indeed the mere choice of sitting in front means one is more likely to be a chatty type.

For those who make my trip with them fun by chatting with me, they become my friend and I’m sorry to have to just MPESA them my fare and leave when we arrive at my destination, knowing it’s unlikely we’ll ever meet again. For the quiet ones, I respect their preference – provided they show adequate friendliness.

As I’ve been reflecting on these interactions with my Uber drivers it’s led me to think more broadly about how we and those beside us decide whether to stay quiet while spending time alongside each other. It can for instance be on adjacent airline seats, where we might well be together for several hours, including for one or more meals.

I love it when I can strike up a conversation with such a neighbour, accepting that it’s not what everyone wants. On a recent flight to London the lady sitting next to me spent the entire journey looking out of the window next to her or buried in her phone. I got the message!

How sensitive are you to what your Uber driver’s preferences may be? How good are you at launching conversations – whether with such a person or with anyone else? Some are better at it than others, putting those they are with at ease and having the time pass by more interestingly and enjoyably. It’s a skill worth developing if you are not.

Negotiating through exchanging offers and requests

My last article was about the destructive influence of toxic marauders, and today I want to explore a related phenomenon, tensions between levels in organisations. It’s tough when such relationships are made difficult by each cohort believing they’re “OK” while the others are “not OK”.

Inevitably it’s a lose-lose scenario, as the negative attitudes on each side merely reinforce one another. This unless interventions are introduced to align energy and reduce the inevitable waste that results from difficult relationships between higher and lower levels.

This is as true between boards and management as it is between senior and middle management, and on downwards to the lowest cadres. Its consequences are diminished engagement and hence reduced productivity, with higher staff turnover.

Many efforts at culture change aimed at improving such situations fail to make a difference, ephemerally raising expectations and enthusiasm and then leaving those involved disillusioned and worse off than if no effort had been made to resolve the matters between them.

Much of my work as a consultant involves diving into such scenarios, where my role as facilitator is to act as mediator, bringing the levels into alignment through helping them engage constructively with each other, for the benefit of both. Not a straightforward challenge, as skepticism if not cynicism may well be present, at least with some of those involved – often the most vocal.

Creating a safe space in which participants are prepared to be open is the first step, and we facilitators have ways of getting people sufficiently relaxed to share what’s really on their minds and in their hearts. Equally important, as in all mediation, is only to bring the groups together when they are ready to engage with each other with an adequately win-win mindset.

Even when working with just one level, upfront ice-breaking is needed, followed by discussion on what will make the initiative succeed – especially if other such initiatives have failed to make a difference before.

What does it take to develop that win-win mindset? First is to cool off on the “We’re OK-You’re not OK” ego state. Mere finger-pointing blame-games will not resolve the issues. There has to be an acceptance that in some respects we too are “not-OK”, and that for the other level there are “OK” components to their behaviour.

Then, for those at the higher level, to hold back from “looking down” on their subordinates, not to act as “Parents” to their “Children” – never mind just viewing them as naughty ones. And for those at the lower level, to hold back from seeing themselves as “Children” with unreasonable “Parents” against whom they are rebelling. Everyone involved must behave as mature, solution-oriented “Adults”.

Once the “We’re OK-You’re OK” “Adult-Adult” mindsets are adopted, getting to win-win becomes possible. So each level can identify their issues, and then to come forward with relevant offers and requests. The requests must be practical and respectful, while the offers should be genuine and generous – so as to encourage the recipients to respond positively to the requests.

It’s all about give-and-take, not necessarily immediately, but over time. And appreciation should be shown to those who make concessions gracefully.

As external mediators, we are only there for part of the journey, since after some time internal individuals with such skills will have emerged to take on the role and to nurture the fulfilment of the alignment. Make no mistake, the default position is regressing to the status quo ex ante. Those who persist with other than a win-win mindset must be nudged away from such positions, and to assist in this evolution I encourage the use of the common language of OK-OK, Adult-Adult, Win-Win… and the other variants to these positive expressions where appropriate.

I tell people that such change actually needn’t take forever. It’s a choice, I believe, and previous unhelpful ego states can and must be treated as unwanted baggage, with new behaviours being readily attainable.

Those who like to play tough must develop their soft skills, and the quiet ones must summon up the courage to have their voices heard. For everyone this means developing emotional intelligence, something we are all capable of doing if we decide it’s a priority.

Some of us are more natural mediators than others. Do reflect on the extent to which you are among the consensus-builders. For the more you are the more likely you will rise to senior leadership positions. At least in organisations with aligned cultures.

Should leaders eat last?

Should leaders be the ones to eat last? The US Marines believe so, as it shows they care for their people and are prepared to sacrifice for them. It’s why Simon Sinek chose Leaders Eat Last as the title of his best-selling book, first published in 2014. We selected it as the topic for our Rotary Club’s recent Book Club meeting, where we also discussed how Sinek’s American context applies here. I certainly don’t need to comment on when most of our Kenyan leaders eat – definitely not last!

Central to the requirements for being the kind of leaders Sinek wishes to see is the generation of broad “Circles of Safety” in their organisations. Within these circles staff trust one another, are therefore open and collaborative and so perform well, not least in dealing with external threats. Such leaders promote integrity and have evolved an uplifting purpose for their people, which generates the stamina to defer gratification and reach for long-term sustainability.

There’s lots more in the book about good contemporary leadership, including examples of role models who defy the pressure to go for easier short-term results. By contrast, leaders who turn a blind eye to the benefits of circles of safety tend to reduce their consideration of people issues to mere numbers, making it much easier to slash staff levels in hard times without feeling any pain or empathy. It’s why one of us homed in on Sinek’s insistence on the development of a healthy culture being at the centre of positive leadership.

For me it was interesting that the book was published in 2014. As had Sinek been writing it today he would have explicitly placed Environment, Social and Governance (ESG) issues at the heart of everything, since much of what he complained about and sought is what ESG initiatives promote: ethical sustainability.

We all appreciated Sinek’s easy-to-follow description of the four hormones, the biological chemicals within us, two selfish and two selfless ones that get stimulated in our system. On the selfish front we have Endorphines and Dopamine, that drove our ancestors to be hunter-gatherers. Endorphines mask physical pain, as in “the runner’s high”, while Dopamine makes us feel good when we accomplish something.

Then Sinek describes the selfless chemicals, that make us feel valued when we are appreciated and trusted and keep the circle of safety intact. Serotonin makes us feel strong and confident, proud, while Oxytocin delivers the feeling of friendship and love when we are with close and trusted friends. It makes us social, and feeling that we belong.

We noted that our Rotary presidents tend to eat last, after they’ve done with managing our lunch meetings, but generally we felt that leaders should be eating with their people not after them. We all agreed though that leaders should be the last to speak, having first listened to the other voices.

Uhuru Kenyatta was one of those who recognised the organised discipline of military leaders, putting senior military officers in charge of Nairobi County, the Kenya Meat Commission and elsewhere. And just now William Ruto praised the leadership style of the late General Ogolla. “Are there lessons here for our politicians?” asked one of us, “Or are they beyond redemption?” My concern is that I don’t see them ever sitting together as we were at our Book Club, discussing the fundamental issues of leadership. It’s what should be happening more of at places like the Kenya School of Government.

On the positive side though, we heard praise for the progress made in Makueni County, thanks to its first Governor, Kivutha Kibwana, and now Mutula Kilonzo Jr. I could also have added the good example of the first Governor of Laikipia, Ndiritu Muriithi, another who showed how a leader can make a transformative difference.

Towards the end of the book Sinek writes extensively on why millennials are as they are and how to handle them constructively, and here two of our members talked about their challenges in dealing with such young ones in the medical field. Sinek helps us understand the importance of when and therefore how different generations were brought up, and I mentioned that I am too old to be a baby boomer, having been born before World War II was over. I have therefore been brought up with frugality, which I have held on to since… like squeezing the last bit out of toothpaste tubes. ‘Me too,’ echoed another Rotarian, much younger than me… and a dentist by profession!

In conclusion, reading the book stimulated us positively, so my fellow Rotarians and I recommend it to you.